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Jaimie Hileman's avatar

As a transgender American, I'm not planning on surviving the year. It keeps me from experiencing the pain of hope. They will finish legally, medically, and socially eradicating us by May. We'll either have to emigrate, be incarcerated and killed, or kill ourselves. That's all they've left us. It's worse for the children.

What do you tell a nine year old when they ask you what the best way to take their own life is?

How does a person answer that?

How do we now live in a country where a nine year old is asking how to get poison to kill themselves?

I turned away, my whole body shaking, and I told them they wouldn't have to know about that, they wouldn't need to do that, but this child is obsessed, what are they going to do in a few years and puberty hits and they won't be able to take blockers? They're terrified they'll be forced to go through a cross gender puberty and then have to spend years and tens of thousands of dollars on unnecessary surgery after they're 18 that probably won't even be available in the United States any longer. They're looking at ten or fifteen years of their life as their genuine and authentic selves being taken from them, or more.

They would really rather die than suffer what all the rest of us did in order to become who we truly are.

A nine year old wants to die because they feel their own country hates them and their family and wants them dead.

I hope Republicans are PROUD, driving a nine year old to want to DIE.

This is not America.

I don't know what this is, some MAGA hellscape, but the America I knew and loved is DEAD.

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Doug Tarnopol's avatar

Make them pay. I am not nearly in the situation you are but I plan to continue to volunteer to hurl myself forward

Yes, they’re worthless Nazi scum. Don’t let them break you. Don’t despair. Get. Fucking. Angry.

Make them pay. Make the rest of us help you make them pay.

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Deana Smith's avatar

I’m so sorry! I’m fighting for you. Please hang in there.

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Jos1463's avatar

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so desperate and can’t give any hope to that nine year old child. A doctor in New York just told the Trump administration to fuck off with his unconstitutional anti-trans EO so please hang in there.

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Jaimie Hileman's avatar

Not so much that I *couldn't* give hope to a child in such extremis, as I am not a monster, but that I felt paralyzed in my outrage that this type of systemic, stochastic, and targeted terrorism is being used in MY COUNTRY against CHILDREN and 80-90% of Americans don't give a good god-damn.

The United States has always made war on women and children but seldom targeted them specifically, and it was almost always SOMEBODY ELSE'S CHILDREN, so that made it somehow morally ok.

Not so much, now.

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Sharon's avatar

Yes, it is hard to provide reassurance when you don't know what the future holds and it looks bleak. No child (or adult) should have to feel so hopeless for their future and unwanted by so many in their community. I think acknowledging how bad and wrong it is and knowing we are in this together and won't give up on each other is something we can do to get through the day. I hope you and this child have access to mental health services you can trust. It is one of the ways my daughter is coping.

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MissNumbersNinja's avatar

Regarding the timeline you mentioned - May. I just wanted to share a bit here and say, I have bottom surgery scheduled in April at a hospital in Washington D.C. I'll be there until late May recovering.

I feel like I'm going into the Lion's Den; into an environment that seems very uncertain. My brain is telling me to flee but my feet aren't moving. I've worked so hard to get to this point, I just can't abandon that. I'm scared but unless the surgery is canceled I'm resolved to go and take my chances.

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Jaimie Hileman's avatar

Ironically you might be in a *better* position to get your surgery, recover, and travel, there in the belly of the beast better than elsewhere because DC seems far less susceptible to anticipatory obedience. Red states and red rural areas in blue states will be the first to attempt over compliance when we ourselves become criminalized but DC will likely wait until the end, judging by past efforts such as the 2015-2016 bathroom bans.

I wish you all the best, with all my heart.

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MissNumbersNinja's avatar

Thank you for the well wishes!

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Jaimie Hileman's avatar

Anytime, and good luck on this part and every part of your transition journey! The fact that you're sticking to it is inspiring to the whole community no matter where we all collectively are in our own journeys because your resilience and perseverance ARE resistance!

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MissNumbersNinja's avatar

Hearing that gives me even more resolve to stay the course, thank you!

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MissNumbersNinja's avatar

That's so sad. My heart goes out to you the child.

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